Fertility

My friend is pregnant. My friend is pregnant.

I get, probably unreasonably, upset about "oops, we're pregnant" people.  Really?  Oops you're fucking pregnant?  How incredibly irresponsible of you.  It's only another person you're bringing into the world. How the fuck can you not take that seriously enough to only do it on purpose.

Ok.  Speak in "I" statements. I have been sexually active since I was 18.  Since July 9, 1992. Never. Not one time ever, did I have unprotected sex until my husband and I decided to try and have a baby in 2003. NEVER.  Got that. Never. I was 29 years old.

Then there was the craziness of not getting pregnant and the doc on my thirtieth birthday who said "tick tock tick tock." Cuntbag. Then the ectopic pregnancy and the foster parenting and the really pregnant with the spotting and fear of another ectopic but really only Spot and Clot. Then the baby and adoption and everything. All at once.  Then pretty much nothing. Not as much co-parenting (compared to what there had been with the foster baby). Constant nursing. Always kids on me.  No sex.  None. Sad sad sad. So sad and lonely and overwhelmed.  Latent guilt at sending the toddler to daycare and staying in bed with the baby until 1. And the counseling for years and years and years together.  Trying to make it work. Holding his shoulders and saying "you should have sex with your wife" to no avail.  I get off topic...

There was some sex.  Not a lot, for sure, but some-ish and ALWAYS with a condom.  "The condom broke." Right.  Moron.  There are even picture directions.  Not buying it.  So, anyway, always sex with a condom until one time, in the death rattle of the marriage, he didn't put one on.  I trusted him to do it.  He did not. I have never felt so violated and disrespected in my life.  Even though my period had just ended and there was, according to my doctor "very little chance" I would get pregnant, I was taking no chances.  A friend drove me to the CVS after we dropped our kids off at school and was so kind and motherly in a good way.  Offered to get it for me, but I needed to do it myself.  So I went to the pharmacy counter and asked the middle-aged woman working there for the morning after pill. I am still so very thankful that woman didn't have a hint of judgement about her.  I was prepared to explain myself. Didn't have to beg or feel shameful. Just went to the car and took the pill, then took another I think 12 hours later.  Not a physically comfortable thing to do to your body.  Forced uterine emptying was not unbearable, but not something I'd do "for birth control" as the fucking conservative patriarchy would have people think it is used.  I am grateful I had a choice.

So back to my friend who's pregnant. Or not.  Makes me very, very sad and angry.