Fertility

My friend is pregnant. My friend is pregnant.

I get, probably unreasonably, upset about "oops, we're pregnant" people.  Really?  Oops you're fucking pregnant?  How incredibly irresponsible of you.  It's only another person you're bringing into the world. How the fuck can you not take that seriously enough to only do it on purpose.

Ok.  Speak in "I" statements. I have been sexually active since I was 18.  Since July 9, 1992. Never. Not one time ever, did I have unprotected sex until my husband and I decided to try and have a baby in 2003. NEVER.  Got that. Never. I was 29 years old.

Then there was the craziness of not getting pregnant and the doc on my thirtieth birthday who said "tick tock tick tock." Cuntbag. Then the ectopic pregnancy and the foster parenting and the really pregnant with the spotting and fear of another ectopic but really only Spot and Clot. Then the baby and adoption and everything. All at once.  Then pretty much nothing. Not as much co-parenting (compared to what there had been with the foster baby). Constant nursing. Always kids on me.  No sex.  None. Sad sad sad. So sad and lonely and overwhelmed.  Latent guilt at sending the toddler to daycare and staying in bed with the baby until 1. And the counseling for years and years and years together.  Trying to make it work. Holding his shoulders and saying "you should have sex with your wife" to no avail.  I get off topic...

There was some sex.  Not a lot, for sure, but some-ish and ALWAYS with a condom.  "The condom broke." Right.  Moron.  There are even picture directions.  Not buying it.  So, anyway, always sex with a condom until one time, in the death rattle of the marriage, he didn't put one on.  I trusted him to do it.  He did not. I have never felt so violated and disrespected in my life.  Even though my period had just ended and there was, according to my doctor "very little chance" I would get pregnant, I was taking no chances.  A friend drove me to the CVS after we dropped our kids off at school and was so kind and motherly in a good way.  Offered to get it for me, but I needed to do it myself.  So I went to the pharmacy counter and asked the middle-aged woman working there for the morning after pill. I am still so very thankful that woman didn't have a hint of judgement about her.  I was prepared to explain myself. Didn't have to beg or feel shameful. Just went to the car and took the pill, then took another I think 12 hours later.  Not a physically comfortable thing to do to your body.  Forced uterine emptying was not unbearable, but not something I'd do "for birth control" as the fucking conservative patriarchy would have people think it is used.  I am grateful I had a choice.

So back to my friend who's pregnant. Or not.  Makes me very, very sad and angry.

Things to remember

1. Boys are stupid.
2. You will never get to have an uninterrupted shower while the children are home.  NEVER.
3. Boys are stupid.
4. Never, ever choose a boy over a girlfriend.  Don't do it.  The dick ain't worth it.
5. Someone who is well intentioned but doesn't follow through is not going to change.  Don't expect and you won't be disappointed again, and again, and again.
6. The only thing about other people that you can change is the expectations you have of them.
7. Boys are stupid.
8. Imaginary monsters can be successfully evicted from a child's bedroom using imaginary monster spray.
9. Treat others the way you wish to be treated.
10. Hold your friend's hand when she's sad.
11. Random acts of kindness are great.  For strangers, good.  For people you know really need it, great.
12. No body will complete you.  You have to be complete yourself.
13. Be thankful for what you have instead of fixating on what you don't have.
14. What your kids really want is not more stuff, it's more of you.
15. All anyone wants is attention.
16. Boys are stupid.
17. Cry, cry, cry. Let it the fuck out.  Holding it in just makes you angry and bitter and not well.
18. It's ok to mourn what people are unable to be for you.  You are right.  You deserve better and if you can acknowledge their shortcomings then you can find another way to get those needs met instead of waiting for them to do what they are unwilling/unable to do (this is especially true of parental figures).
19. It is not a good idea to buy peanut m&ms and potato chips when you are in a wonky emotional state because you will consume mass quantities of both and feel bad about it and then your ass will fall off.
20. Look at the sky every day and be thankful for the beauty around you. The sky makes you feel a good kind of small. Perspective is good.

Profile revisited

Ok, so I got rid of the defensive angry at the end and here it is:

I am a happy person with two great kids ages 6 and 7 who keep me on my toes. I am passionate about life and baking and express creativity through sweets. Although I may have a drink once or twice a year, I prefer pie. I have been known to cut a rug in the grocery store if the muzak so moves me.

My awesome friends keep me laughing and give me an audience for my latest culinary endeavors.

I am awesome. You better be too. I don't want a daddy for my kids. They have one of those already and he does just fine. Maybe not what I would do, but just fine nonetheless. You aren't going to meet them. I am dating for me, not for them.

What I do want is someone to be interested in me. Ask me questions. Remember my favorite song. Bring me flowers. Take me to dinner. Tell me I'm pretty. Smile when you see me. Hold my hand. Touch my face. Call just because you want to hear my voice. Tell me secrets and snuggle with me under a blanket. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Dance with me in the grocery store. Ask to lick the spoon when I make cookies. Laugh with me. Did I mention kiss me?

I want to feel not so alone. That's on me, not you. I don't want to be your mom. I don't want to be your sister. I want to be a lover and a friend. I'm exceptional at both.


Favorite things: baking, poetry, belly laughing, music, looking at the sky, coffee and pie with my friends, checking out museums and libraries and book stores, grocery shopping, attempting craftiness



I'd totally date me.

What My Dating Profile Should Say

I am awesome.  You better be too.  I don't want a daddy for my kids.  They have one of those already and he does just fine.  Maybe not what I would do, but just fine nonetheless. You aren't going to meet them.  I am dating for me, not for them.

What I do want is someone to be interested in me.  Ask me questions.  Remember my favorite song. Bring me flowers.  Take me to dinner.  Tell me I'm pretty.  Smile when you see me.  Hold my hand. Touch my face. Call just because you want to hear my voice. Tell me secrets and snuggle with me under a blanket. Kiss me.  Kiss me. Kiss me. Dance with me in the grocery store. Ask to lick the spoon when I make cookies. Laugh with me. Did I mention kiss me?

I want to feel not so alone.  That's on me, not you. I don't want to be your mom. I don't want to be your sister.  I want to be a grown-ass woman and be your lover and your friend. I'm exceptional at both.  Honest.  Don't believe me, well fuck you.

Some days I want to run away. Not sure to where. Not sure with whom. Not even sure I'd like to go with myself today.

Why keeping abortion legal is important to me

In the final presidential debate, John McCain mocked Barack Obama, stating that concern for the health of the mother was an “extreme pro-abortion position.”

When my husband and I moved to Lafayette, we planned to start a family and were overjoyed when I got pregnant. The joy was short-lived when we found out that the pregnancy was ectopic. Not only would it not produce a baby, but it endangered my life. Adding to my devastation at this news, there was the shock that should I require surgical intervention for this life threatening condition, I could not receive it at either of our local hospitals, as they are both Catholic run and consider such procedures abortive. Thankfully, I did not require surgery and my husband and I have gone on to have two beautiful sons, one adopted and one biological.

I am a married woman who was trying to start a family and things went awry. When carried out, the extreme anti-choice position held by Mr. McCain and the Catholic hospitals of Lafayette could have cost me my life. There are two little boys and a wonderful husband to whom my life matters, even if it doesn’t to John McCain.

keep your face to yourself

Please, cashier at the costume store, why must you so openly show your distaste at my son's choice of pink butterfly wings for Halloween? What's with the rigid gender specificity?

They make him happy.